In Memory

By now you all have probably heard about the death of a Yale junior--Cameron Dabaghi--in the news or elsewhere. It is nothing less of a tragedy to hear about an untimely death especially from one of our own--a classmate, a colleague, a friend. I personally did not know Cameron; we were both in pistol club together but never had the opportunity to talk because of the sheer number of members. At lunch today Alina told me she had just met him last week after class. She described him as incredibly sociable, talkative and warm--he approached her after a discussion to continue to dialogue. He showed no signs that he was suffering or grappling with issues so large that would result in him taking his own life.

I believe that. I cannot begin to understand what he was going through or what made him decide to commit suicide. And I won't even try because such aimless postulating would dishonor his memory.

I do know though, that often times it is far too common a belief to think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. We are all high achieving--otherwise we would not have gotten into Yale in the first place. We've set records, aced the toughest classes our schools had to offer, rebuilt communities and excelled at our respective fields. We know we're capable. When it comes to solving problems it's usually a mentality of dogged determinism--we need to figure it all out by ourselves and will ask for help as a last resort. I know I'm generalizing and this doesn't apply to all students, but I've seen this in my freshmen. My dean would tell me that a student is falling behind in his/her classes or is going through a rough patch. When I'd meet him/her, it would take probing and 10 minutes of small talk before the issue would be brought up (usually by me). I know that were I not privy to such intimate details, I would have never suspected a thing.

If there's one thing we are good at, it is representing ourselves as very capable people.

From the moment we step on campus we're told by the administration that the most successful people are those who utilize the resources, in many cases those who ask for help. Part of my duty as a freshman counselor is to chase after those who don't seek help, those who avoid us and would rather do their own thing. You may retort that these people have their friends to fall back on to provide support but that assumes 2 things: that they are using their friends for support and that their friends are capable enough to help them. Friends may not know of all the resources Yale has to offer--a friend would hardly recommend talking to the dean or the master socially and would follow through with setting up an appointment.

I know for a fact that Yale has more than sufficient resources on campus, from peer counselors (peer liaisons, Walden, Frocos) to more formal institutes like Health services and the residential master + dean. Give me a problem and I could list off at least 3 people you could contact that could help with the problem.

I think the issue is that people aren't using these resources. The fact is nationwide 80% of those with depression don't seek help. Most people (54%) believe it to be a personal problem, one they can solve on their own accord. It then becomes a Herculean task to prove one's personal strength by dealing with inner turmoil without the assistance of others. For others it's a reality they would rather not face--by seeking treatment they are essentially admitting a problem.

So please, if you have a problem, talk to someone. You would be no stronger going about it by yourself than doing it formally with therapy or with trained professionals. Health and happiness are the most important things in the world so why risk it?

Rest In Peace Cameron.

References (all Yale numbers):

For Yale Health Services Counseling please call 203-432-0290 to schedule an appointment or just give them a heads up you're on the way (they allow walk-ins for immediate needs.)

For Sexual Assault please call the SHARE center response line at 203-432-6653. It is run 24/7 and can offer crisis counseling, access to emergency medical care, pregnancy testing, and treatment.

For Health Services Urgent Care please contact 203-432-0123.

For the Yale Police please call 203-432-4400.

On duty.

9:00 PM Friday night—I’m on duty. To be honest I’m a little bit aggravated to be stuck in tonight—I’m missing Kappa Krush, 3 birthdays, and a campuswide dance party. Everyone else, freshmen included, will probably be out partying. I don’t expect much to happen tonight. Maybe I’ll watch a movie.

I’m also suffering from the haze of a food coma—my stomach is filled with all you can eat sushi from dinner and my blood is coursing with tryptophan. I seriously need a nap. I send out the necessary on duty email before I tell Dave, the other froco in tonight that I’m going to pass out for an hour or so.

Hey guys

Dave and I are on duty tonight pondering the meaning of life and the myth behind the everlasting twinkie. Come stop by if you want to chat!

Your frocos!

11:00 Dilan comes in waking me up. She visits often—last time i was on duty we facebook stalked crushes for 3 hours.

This time she insinuates something naughty about 2 other frocos from a different college. When I probe for more information she evades. She loves withholding information from me; otherwise she wouldn’t have brought them up in the first place. The conversation shifts to piercings and tattoos when she complains about belly ring aching. She asks me if I have a tattoo but I evade the question. (I like seeing her squirm too when she doesn’t know the answer).

Dilan: Come on froco! I’ve already told you so much! Where is it located?

Me: Well maybe if you tell me which frocos you were talking about I can tell you about myself…

We’re bartering information but in the end no exchange is made. This encompasses 90% of the exchanges we have together.

12:00 Chelsea comes in after her night out. she tells me all the places she’s been tonight—Samurai, Fence Club, the Dance party, Silliman. I guess they weren’t that enthralling if she stayed at each place for only 30 mins and came back by midnight. MJ, another froco comes in to hang out and so do a couple more freshmen demanding food.

Caroline: We were wondering if you had twinkies like you mentioned in your email.

Me: I was speaking conceptually!

But i could go for some snacks too. One of the best things about being a freshmen counselor is that as long as you have more than 10 people, you can call an impromptu study break pretty much any night you’re on duty. I run off to Durfees to pick up some chips, pirouettes, cookies, and nutella while MJ holds down the fort.

When I get back a guitar magically appears as everyone reaches over to dip the mini donuts in nutella. Of course every acoustic player has Damien Rice in their repertoire. Dilan starts playing The Blower’s Daughter, a personal favorite. I tell them about my memories on the banks of the Vltava River in Prague 2 years ago, listening to the song with a friend and eating biscuits while watching the night city shimmer. Zach tells me about a high school wrestling match when his team sang this song together after a big victory. Damien Rice brings people together I tell him.

Me: Do you still keep in touch with your wrestling buddies?

He says he does but he doesn’t think he will wrestle anymore because his motives for self-improvement are too selfish. I ask him about altruism and if motives matter if in the end the results remain the same.

He opts not to answer me, instead chiming on Caroline’s conversation about the X-Men.

Liya: You’re not going to answer his altruism question?

I don’t care that he didn’t respond—I know he’s going to think about it later.

Dilan starts playing Moldy peaches- anyone else but you and everyone starts singing. Everyone’s seen Juno and knows the song by heart.

After the song ends we’re all filled a sense of satisfaction.

Zach: When are we going to have frokyoke (froco karaoke) again?

Mental note: let’s schedule that soon. MJ is thinking the same thing.

Dilan moves onto Mario kart love song. She pulls the tabs on the internet but can’t get the timing down precisely. We turn to the original on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDBpQVhCMb8

MJ: I would date him. He’s so adorable.

Dilan: This song is so romantic, and cheesy.

Me: I would totally fall for someone who sang this song or spun counterclockwise in a room.

MJ: Totally

Dilan doesn’t get the reference so I show her the xkcd comic. That’s true love I tell her.

http://xkcd.com/162/

Freshmen: Well we’re going to go to sleep now.

Dilan: Frocos what are we going to do without you next year? It’s sad to think that we only have 2 months together.

We try to reassure her that there’s plenty of time and she won’t need us next year.

She accepts this, hesitantly. I’m going to miss her and the freshmen just as much as they’ll miss us, but I don’t tell her this. It’s bittersweet to think that in 3 months this will all end so I push those thoughts out of my head. No point in worrying about the inevitable.

It’s 1:30am now. I’m no longer on duty. I’m glad I stayed in.

Let's go again.

Thinking Sustainably

In a dream last night Alice Waters cooked me a fresh meal in her California home (my unconscious is connected to some pretty impressive people). As I feasted upon pappardelle in a fresh tomato ragu, prepared in her trademark "California cuisine" style I asked chef,

"Alice, how do you really expect everyone to eat organically and sustainably?"


My bff Alice. Picture courtesy of Wikipedia

People either love or hate Alice Waters. She's infamous in the food world as the advocate for eating locally, sustainably, and organically. Logically it makes sense--foods produced close by are processed less since they aren't shipped across countries in freezer trucks, have a much lower carbon foot print, and support the local economy. Organically means a more controlled environment with (ideally) no pesticide and herbicide use and no antibiotics/growth hormones for livestock. It's healthier. And tastier. The only bitter melon I can tolerate is the one from my mom's garden.

Obviously there are some fallbacks. Eating locally means no tomatoes or strawberries in the dead of winter for most people. Also from anyone who has been grocery shopping knows that with the organic label comes a pretty painful markup, around 10-40%. As a poor and struggling college student, I can't afford that. $4 for a pint of blueberries at the Wooster Square farmer's market is a luxury. The option to eat locally and sustainably may not be available for those who rely on large supermarket chains, or worse small corner marts.

If we're so focused on restoring the health of America, reducing obesity and diabetes rates, then we need to target those most susceptible--the socioeconomically disadvantaged. Really, eating sustainably isn't a viable option or a concern for those making $17k a year.

I come from a fairly gritty town (Bridgeport, CT) where for 16 years I had never heard the words organic uttered outside of chemistry class. These concerns were relegated to fussy middle class housewives who were merely jumping on the latest culinary craze. Good marketing I thought.

Feasible? No. When one gallon of milk costs $3 while another costs $5 and minimizing costs is the highest priority when you're feeding a large family, it's a no-brainer.

In many ways that's why people hate Alice Waters. She's an idealist (after Obama's election she tried contacting him to push for a healthier food policy and sustainable gardens all over the country) but she's a little out of touch with reality. Not everyone can or wants to eat through farmer's markets or in season. When there's a strong correlation between poverty and obesity, these people are also the ones suffering because of it.

Alice is trying to change the way we see foods. She brought the sustainability focus here to Yale, establishing the Yale Sustainable Food Project to represent the university's stake in our health and wellbeing. Every day there's at least one dish that's made entirely of sustainable and local ingredients. When in season, almost 50% of the produce is locally sourced (because really you can't find bananas in New England). It's a nice change of pace from the regular burger and fries. But we again run into the problem of healthy foods being only accessible to the privileged.
















Yale's farm. That's right, we have our own sustainable farm.

So what do we do to make people want good food? Some people claim reduce government subsidies for major farms, or educate the kids regarding respect for food (read more about the Edible Schoolyard), or even punish those who buy the bad stuff with higher prices but these are still ideas, not policies.

I woke up before I could get the answer from Alice. When I fell back asleep, I was off killing zombies with my Blastoise.

For more info on Alice Waters, sustainability, or Yale's practices, use Google.

Go Watch Dollhouse!

I have a new obsession.

In the lethargy and carefree of Winter break I caught up all the television and pop culture that couldn't fit between classes and socialization. I watched Chuck (what I deem Seth Cohen as a secret agent). Sang along with the New Directions Glee Club. My friends tried to get me into Rome and the rise of Caesar.

But it was on a trip to California that I watched a couple episodes of Joss Whedon's Dollhouse that I became hooked.

The premise is pretty straightforward: a secret organization possesses the technology to erase and upload whole personalities into people, called actives. These agents provide clients with whatever service necessary because of their malleability and adaptability-- need a safe breaker just imprint an active with the skills and the mind of a thief. Outside of jobs they're wiped clean and reduced to childlike states with no recollection of their actions.


These dolls can become anything the clients want from psychological profilers to lovers. They're all very attractive. It's creepy and raises a lot of ethical questions, but that's what Whedon wants. For example, the actives themselves are incapable of consenting to any of their actions since they're imprinted to want it and don't make the decision themselves. Is that rape or coercion? Since all of the actives were volunteers in the first place and it is a job, does their initial agreement encompass consent to all subsequent behavior? How are we supposed to feel about the man who imprints a stranger with his dead wife's mind every anniversary so they can spend at least one day together? Wrong? Endearing? Morals aren't force feed and there are no real lessons to take away at the end of every episode, just topics and questions to mull over should you please.

Obviously the television show delves into the possibility of a core consciousness--if we peel away memories and personality traits is there something that's so sticky and personal that we can call it ourselves? Whedon's decided that there is something fundamental with the main character, Echo, who is deemed "special" since she can ::spoilers:: remember personas and keep a consistent consciousness even when she's wiped clean.

There are some stretches however. It's not possible to healthily "wipe" someone's mind Eternal Sunshine style--that's called brain damage. Memories are a network of neurons that rely on billions of connections. It's not like a series of pegs where one can isolate and remove a memory--it's more like a house of cards and all the diamonds used are one memory--you can't change one cluster without affecting others. It's a complaint that my friend and I (both psychology majors, she a proper neuroscience major) raise all the time. It's just a TV show we're constantly reminded.

The series is winding down soon because of low ratings (it's on Fridays)and I expect Joss Whedon will kill off all the characters because that's what he always does with his canceled series but if you're a Whedon fan, want to check out his current work (many of the actors were in his other work), and have some time to kill check out Dollhouse on Fox or on Hulu.

Also the actor who plays Topher is a recent Yale grad. Go alums!